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bummmmer, i lost my phone and don't know how to get ahold of my crashpad for the night! i decided to stick around so i can go to nashville pride tomorrow, allison is in mboro but i figured i'd go there then come back. now i don't know what to do T_T

i know shit's not a big deal, i could get a hotel or something, but ughhhh it's bumming me out! time to smoke a joint and find my way toward the boro...

okay i'm done ;D c+p from IAM, y'all

okay i decided to cut a couple mm into my tongue, just to get a feel for how i should best hold the scalpel, how much it might hurt, how hard it'd be to cut the flesh, etc etc etc. basically, to practice.
i used three #11 blades because i was really paranoid about them going dull (i use #11 exacto knives all the time and they go dull after cutting about 10 pieces of paper, so i figured all the crappy inefficient sawing i was doing was probably wearing them down pretty quick). i started out just kind of swiping at it, then did a kind of sawing for a while, then started slower, more heavy-handed swipes which was the most efficient but still probably not good enough for the 'real thing'. i got about 4mm i'd say, after three sessions which were probably 20-30 minutes each.

blood was definitely plentiful! i expected there to be a lot, but not enough to actually run down my chin and hands and arms, which it was doing profusely at some points and made it a little difficult to see what i was doing. even though it was a lot more than i expected for such a small cut it was a lot less than i've seen in pictures or read about in experiences, so i didn't feel too worried.

i would say through about an hour of cutting i felt maybe 5 seconds of pain. i imagine if i had gotten further back it would have hurt more, but my main problem was the awful, awful feeling of cutting my own flesh. that was definitely the reason for the amount of time this whole thing took. it was just...gross. once i started getting used to it i could press harder, but i still feel squicked just from thinking about it.

i doubt there will be any really noticeable difference in my tongue in a couple weeks, but i wrapped a piece of sterile gauze around my tongue/in my little split anyway. i really want to preserve it, i think it's really cute!

overall i'd call this little operation a success. i have decided i'm definitely going to do it again, when my new scalpels come in. my initial plan was to make a single .5" cut and then just maintain it by cutting the regrowth, but if i can manage to keep this little one from fully regrowing i might end up doing a couple of smaller ones that end up being around .5", if that makes any sense. whatever, i still have a lot of research to do, experiences to read, people to talk to, and pictures to look at before i make that decision.

and now, gore! haha.
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i feel embarrassed when i think about how utterly fucking in love i am with michael. and fuck, it's utterly. he's engaged now (just told me tonight , awesomeeeee) and i'm just thinking 'why the fuck couldn't shit have worked outttttttt', fuck. i'm so jealous of his stupid girlfriend, i mean fiancee, whoops. bitch!

i hate how like sometimes i'm just completely satisfied with my life, and my friends, and my job or whatever, and then i hang around mike and my chill as fuck friends and the good things in my life are like not even close to being good enough, and i just want to be an army wife and move to colorado and like, be my mom or some shit.

fuck that.

i mean my poor 11th grade heart is crushed.
and like i guess today's is kinda too.

but whatever.

my fingers are fucking freezing, and i'm geeked and shish'd (oh yeah, i didn't quit hookahs. lol) and i'm TIRED AS FUCK. but i felt really compelled to come online and bitch hardcore. so there.